What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Doing ERP—A Guide for Family and Friends
If someone you care about is in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, you might feel confused, worried, or unsure how to help. You may see them doing things that look uncomfortable and your instinct may be to reassure them, fix the situation, or help them avoid distress. While these instincts come from a good place, ERP works best when the people around them understand how to support the process rather than unintentionally getting in the way.
This guide is here to help you know what to say, what not to say, and why it is important.
First: What Is ERP?
ERP is a gold-standard therapy for OCD and related anxiety disorders. It helps people:
Face feared thoughts, sensations, or situations (exposures)
Resist the urge to do compulsions or seek reassurance (response prevention)
The goal in ERP therapy is not to eliminate anxiety immediately, but to help the brain learn, “I can feel uncomfortable and still be okay.” That learning takes time and support. People doing ERP are working on the challenge to face their fears. As a loved one, your goal is to strengthen their recovery, while not feeding the anxiety loop, even with good intentions. Your supportive language can help them build confidence while unhelpful language can reinforce doubt, fear, or compulsions.
What Not to Say (and Why)
“Just don’t think about it.”
Why it hurts:
ERP isn’t about suppressing thoughts. Trying not to think something usually makes it louder and stickier.
“Are you sure that’s safe?”
Why it hurts:
ERP often involves tolerating uncertainty. Questions like this can fuel doubt and undo therapeutic progress.
“But what if something bad really happens?”
Why it hurts:
This directly feeds OCD’s core fear: What if? Even hypothetical speculation can spike anxiety.
“You’re doing this to yourself.”
Why it hurts:
ERP is intentional discomfort for long-term healing. This comment can create shame and misunderstanding.
Reassurance on repeat
Examples:
“You’re fine.”
“Nothing bad will happen.”
“I promise you didn’t do anything wrong.”
Why it hurts:
While comforting in the moment, repeated reassurance can become a compulsion substitute, keeping anxiety stuck.
“I could never do that.”
Why it hurts:
ERP already feels scary. This can make the person feel isolated or abnormal for trying.
What To Say Instead
“I’m proud of you for doing this.”
Why it helps:
ERP takes courage. Recognition builds confidence and motivation.
“I know this is uncomfortable—and I believe you can handle it.”
Why it helps:
This validates their experience without rescuing them from it.
“Do you want encouragement or space right now?”
Why it helps:
It respects autonomy and avoids accidentally interfering.
“I’m here with you.”
Why it helps:
Presence without reassurance allows anxiety to rise and fall naturally.
“It looks like you’re practicing ERP.”
Why it helps:
It acknowledges effort without judgment or fear-based commentary.
“I don’t need you to feel better right away.”
Why it helps:
This removes pressure and supports the core goal of ERP: tolerating discomfort.
How to Be Supportive Without Reassuring
Support doesn’t mean fixing. It means standing steady while someone learns they can survive uncertainty.
You can help by:
Allowing anxiety to exist without reacting
Avoiding participation in compulsions
Encouraging them to follow their therapist’s plan
Celebrating effort, not outcomes
Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is:
“This is hard—and you’re doing it anyway.”
If You’re Unsure What to Do
It’s okay to ask—once, calmly, and outside of anxious moments:
“How can I best support your ERP?”
And then follow through with the answer, even if it feels counterintuitive.
Final Thought
ERP is not about being fearless. It’s about learning you don’t need certainty to live your life. When you choose your words carefully, you become part of that learning and not an obstacle to it. Your support to someone in ERP therapy matters more than you know. Reach out today for more information for your loved one.
