MY STORY
by Ralph T.
I offer this brief article to help others with OCD realize that no matter how intense
their condition, there is hope. You can manage it to a point where it changes from
obsessive-compulsive disorder to obsessive compulsive
distraction, which moves far into the background. Understanding this is
important because this is a painful, sometimes all-consuming disorder which made a person
extremely uncomfortable, unable to think clearly, feeling helpless, and frustrated.
I remember only small parts of my childhood and other stages of life because I have spent so much time obsessing. My chief symptom is an excessive worry with having possibly harmed people. When I hear about a car accident or other disaster, I can't get it out of my head that perhaps I was the culprit. As wacky as that sounds, the worry would torment me for hours and days on end, often causing me to check things out or circle around over and over while driving to make sure I did not hit anyone. It is sheer torment! Due to OCD I have missed a great deal of simple enjoyment of everyday life. For years I coped only when either temporarily distracted, busy, or when the OCD had, for some unknown reason, briefly faded from the foreground. At work, I was producing quality projects "by the skin of my teeth" by sheer determination, however exhausting it was because of the OCD. I lived life being constantly on guard, waiting for the next attack of obsessional thinking. At that point, to ward off the anxiety, I began to avoid TV, newspapers, even conversations which might activate the OCD! I had seen my condition strengthen and weaken many times, but it seemed to be getting worse! I could not find any relief and the off-times were getting scarce.
Then, I luckily found Dr. Hyman of the Obsessive-Compulsive Resource Center,
who specializes in understanding and helping the torment of OCD. I can now say that after
years of discomfort, ongoing anxiety, mixed with diligence, intense work, and never giving
up - I have finally found relief! A combination of behavioral therapy and medication has
allowed me to reclaim my life. But recovery comes with both the good news and bad news.
First, the good news...According to Dr. Hyman, OCD can be managed. Though I was
very skeptical, this appeared to be my last hope to function normally again, and to react
to situations like others do. I was told that if I was patient, worked hard to fight it
and accepted taking anti-OCD medication, I could regain control. And now the bad
news...the OCD would not just disappear forever. In fact, it would probably always be with
me to some extent. Since I did not want to take medication (I had heard horror stories -
mostly from unreliable sources), I did everything I could to make the behavioral treatment
work. It helped a lot, but even after months of intense treatment, I still gave in to the
compulsions. Then, after months of avoiding it, I started on the medication - Prozac, in
the smallest available dose. To my surprise, I had no major side effects and after two
months, (and many years) I finally became able to deal with my obsessive thoughts. I could
think clearly enough to "fight back." Though the thoughts were not completely
eliminated - I was by no means "cured," but I could actually resist the
thoughts, and leave them behind. The difference now was that my internal chemicals were
balanced, allowing me to process the fear-provoking situations normally so I could make it
through the terror of an obsession. The thoughts could be activated but finally I had the
strength to think clearly and with time, recognize that it is the OCD, not me, that causes
me to think that I was responsible for such awful events.
Today, I can create again without the ongoing distraction and ever present fear. I can devote my thought to whatever I am doing NOW, rather than attend to OCD. If I am at the beach...I am at the beach, not off on a wasteful obsessive tour within my head. If I am creating a new idea, I have a solid opportunity to develop something outstanding. My most recent creative endeavors are evolving with ease and appear to be increasingly exciting. I'm also better able to manage the pressures of everyday life and my personal goals because I have energy and balanced chemicals, therefore, I can deal from a "normal" stance. With diligence, patience, and ongoing support from my wife, my doctor, and the medication, I'm back! I can drive without turning around countless times. I can make it to appointments on time. I can have a good time! I bet that I can even realize my full potential if I choose. I probably just got by most of my life but - now I guess I just have a lot of catching up to do......
