CHRISTINE
The first sign I can remember of having OCD was when I was about twelve years old. I washed my hands alot because they felt "contaminated". This progressed to where I would repeat things I'd do, like getting dressed, touching things and reading sentences over and over.
Since I was somewhat rebellious in my early teens, there were conflicts with my parents. I started developing a great deal of tension and anxiety around that time. My OCD, I suppose, became focused on my father to start with. He was a good, loving man who adored me. My father had a constant smoker's cough. For reasons unknown to me, whenever he coughed, I would feel "contaminated." Over and over his coughing would trigger feelings of anxiety and discomfort. It was as if by his coughing, he would be causing some supernatural evil or "bad thing" to happen to me.
As time went by, the feelings of contamination spread to other family members. To me they became "bad", to the point where I had to avoid contact with all of them. After moving out on my own, anything mailed to my home from them, or given to me by them would be "contaminated" and would have to be thrown out. This included holiday gifts, cards, letters, anything!
About 10 years ago, I developed a ritual that even today seems pretty strange, even by OCD standards! I don't know exactly why, but I began to use a popular magazine to rid myself of the feelings of contamination. I felt if I looked at pictures of people in this magazine (they had to be black and white pictures - why, I don't know), I would somehow, magically "transfer" these contaminated "bad things" from me to the picture in the magazine, and in doing so would "cleanse" myself and then feel OK.
The ritual became more and more frequent over time, to the point where I was spending several hours each day staring at the pictures in the magazine so as to "cleanse" myself of the contamination. I know it sounds crazy, but this was my life with OCD.
In addition, places, for example, stores, streets, other homes near my parent's home became "contaminated" since-they existed nearby. T.V.'s and newspapers were then avoided because these "contaminated" places might be in the paper or on T.V. Many things grew out of this for many years. I began to avoid many things later on too, that weren't related to my family. It just kept growing and growing. This problem did cause me alot of depression at times, and made me very unhappy with myself. My husband, who is a great guy, became very disgusted with me and our relationship became quite strained for some time.
In the fall of 1996, after years of useless, ineffective therapy, I found doctor that specialized in OCD. He used behavior therapy which exposes you to what you fear. I was also put on Prozac, which helped to make it a little easier when I had to stop doing my rituals. My initial response was being very, very scared! Though my logical brain told me my fears were ridiculous, in some way, I feared something "bad" would happen if I didn't carry out the ritual. I felt tense at first, but after a few days the anxiety faded more and more. Almost all of my symptoms are now gone and I feel alot more "freedom" mentally. At times I still feel the urge to ritualize, but I now feel it is in my control and I can handle it. What I must do is to make a very strong, conscious effort to not ritualize and to stick to it. I feel if you know the obsessions are silly, and you really know this in your heart, then you have taken the first big step to overcoming the OCD or at least to better controlling it. To know this and truly believe it will give you the strength needed to overcome this problem. My hope is that the story of my battle to overcome OCD may help others who are afflicted with this very devastating disorder.
