MY ROAD TO RECOVERY
by Jorge F.
I am 38 years old, divorced male who has suffered from OCD since 1983. I was always a person who was organized and neat, wanting things done right. as a kid, I'd have my shoes and shoelaces right. As I got older, I'd continue to do the same. I always got along with people. I was normal kid in every way. I am a mechanic by trade, and started fixing cars at age 18. I enjoyed working with cars- m y life, my hobby. At age 26 I got married and began to assume the responsibilities of adulthood. It was around that time, I began to notice my tendency to not make mistakes, do everything properly. I'd started doing high level repairs on expensive cars about the time my daughter was born. Suddenly, I began to check things over and over- checking my work, doing work on engines, checking everything was tightened properly. I'd check the door of the shop over and over, to make sure the door was locked. I told myself I needed the money, I can't make a mistake. At age 27, the checking and repeating began to increase. I also was having some marital problems which added to my stress. With the birth of my 2nd child, I became stressed completely. I began to worry about my day job all night long. I'd worry about whether I checked the oil properly, tightened the bolts enough. Fear began to take a grip upon me... fear of everything bad happening to me, my kids, my family. I'd be thinking all the time: did I install the part properly? Did I over-tighten things? I'd create catastrophe's in my mind as the terrible things that might happen to others as a result of my own negligence. I was rarely afraid for myself.... always of someone else- that something would go wrong.. that I'd do something wrong.
Around 1988-89 I sought help for a problem that I could not explain. I thought I was losing my mind. At the same time, my marriage was breaking up. The stress was so great - I could not face my life and the responsibilities. When a doctor finally told me that what I had a name: obsessive-compulsive disorder, I was received. I was placed on medicines, but unlike many who take meds with little problems, my system rejected the meds. I was drowsy, groggy all the time. Instead of feeling better, I was feeling much worse. Facing the day was so difficult-- I thought of just giving up on life, quitting my job and running away. I often felt like dying .My family was one of hard workers, so quitting was not acceptable. I could not run away. If I run to another job, I will just be taking my problems with me.
At this time, I could not accept that OCD was the problem. I thought that there is something very wrong with me. That I'll never be able to get well again. This was the time that I decided I did not want to feel like that. I was causing alot of pain to my parents.
I went to see a couple of psychotherapists to address the problem my marriage. Some guided me in the right direction, dealing with the marital problem. In 1989, I got a divorce, and was feeling my worst. I took 2 weeks off from work. My boss was willing to hold my job. I started marriage counseling both before the divorce. I realized that the marriage could not be saved, and the therapist helped me to deal with my divorce. I made alot of progress, but my OCD symptoms were still bad. I was still struggling. This therapist, who had helped me so much with my divorce, knew that he couldn't help me with the OCD. He had the wisdom to refer me to a therapist who specialized in OCD - Dr. Hyman.
What has helped me most in dealing with the OCD is the confidence in the therapist who specializes in it, not who deals with it only once in a while. Dr. Hyman explained to me exactly what was going on in my brain. It was thoughts in my mind controlling my mind. they were not real, but just thoughts that were dominating my life. The first assignment was to absolutely stop doing the compulsion. Finally, I had the support of someone who really understood. He helped me to walk away from my rituals. I listened to my coach..... He taught me how to deal with the urges to check. Very firm guidelines --- I had to accept the pain, and turn it into well being. The pain was great, but I knew that this would help me. You have no idea how difficult it was. I'd get so sick - I'd feel like I wanted to vomit... my body would sweat, tremble with fear. Eventually, the fears lessened. I began to give up all the sources of security and reassurance. Dr. Hyman effectively blocked all alternative sources of reassurance- my coworkers, my mother. Dr. Hyman had me monitor my symptoms. I had to give up all the many ways I used to reassure my self - writing, counting, marking. I was slowly cutting the checking down. When I'd feel like tightening bolts, I'd walk away, sit in the bathroom until the anxiety would go down. Even though I risked everybody in the shop noticing my ....
My hope began to increase. I really wanted to get well.... I could not rely upon medicine, I only had myself. I gained more and more confidence to overcome this. Today, I still have OCD, but I'm able to control it, not it controlling me. I will continue to struggle with this. My only regret is I wish I had found Dr. H sooner. If I could have addressed this sooner, If I only had the name of this sooner, I could have avoided a great deal of pain... I could have recovered more easily. It took many years for this to develop.... it will take to completely conquer this. I feel more hopeful about the future. I want to continue to deal with this problem. I think that one day I will be able to put it all behind me. I know things will never get worse. I have the right to deal with the situation. By having the right to lose, I know what i need to do to get better. Having the right information, doing the right thing, my OCD will decrease over time. Eventually, the thoughts will decrease.
